It won’t be global warming that washes most of humanity away. Nor will it be pestilence, famine, or war. According to scientists it will be the habit of the chatty cathys you’ve loathed all these years in the grocery lines, or the countless idiots you’ve smote as they chirped away while cutting you off in traffic. Yes El Blarg, there is a Santa Claus, and he’s given you the gift of satisfaction this Christmas. The satisfaction that 40% of these dunderheads who live with a phone attached to their ear for the past ten years will die a slow and horrible, cancerous death (from article, “And a joint Interphone analysis from the U.K., Denmark, Norway, Sweden and Finland reported a 40 percent increase in tumor risk in people who use cellphones for more than a decade; the study found no discernable risk for people who have used cellphones for fewer than 10 years.”).
Yikes. That’s pretty terrifying actually. Cell phones first became ubiquitous around 1999-2002, which is when my mom got one, which has to have meant that the industry went over the tipping point. I got one around 2000 (but i only use speaker phone or a bluetooth, so pshaw, i will not die of brian cancer. Instead i’ll die of crotch, dick, multiple testicular cancers, and probably prostate cancer too from keeping the damned device in my pocket all these years. Wonderful.). Come 2010 i’ll be making some doctor appointments. If 40% of the worlds population reaches that threshold around the same time, then darwinism will have dropped a major load upon humanity, and grandparents will then rule the Earth (I’m still not convinced Jitterbug will make any inroads). I for one, welcome our new (old?) and dependable® leaders. Sarasota will become the world’s capital.
What makes this study unique and possibly reliable is that it is the first to measure with the majority of its participants having been a cell phone user for 10 years or more, which is the average time for brain tumor development.
Of course this study could still be hogwash. I wouldn’t be surprised if scientists and doctors worried that TV and stereo remote controls would cause cancer (they neglected to worry that the remotes would instead incubate a nation of fatties. When they realized that fact, they gave us Richard Simmons from various rainwater collections of DNA).
But also this could give credence to the whole Mayan 2012 freak out that’s gotten so hip the past few years.
And last but not least, it means that old people were right in being afraid of those infernal devices that let you hear someone without a cord. That’ll be the day!
